Posts Tagged ‘gratitude’

Creating from the Heart

Saturday, May 8th, 2010

Note to readers: I have not looked at this blog entry since I posted it back on May 8th.  Today I had to log in to read it, as I couldn’t remember the password, and I was curious as to why I would lock an entry on my public blog.  I see now that I wanted to be sure to read it again at a later date, and I might not have if it had just been sitting there without any mystery attached to it.  I’m also pleased to find that I no longer feel the need to hide this from others, so here it is for anyone who is interested.  I will say that while I don’t have a motorhome yet, I did have a holiday in one at Burning Man (LOVED IT!), and I do feel much more myself than I have in a very long time.  I hope you all have weathered the call to become authentic, and continue to do so.  Please contact me by email or through Facebook if you’d like to share.  Remember, in the words of John Lennon – “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be….. All you need is Love”.

I have long been struggling with the concept of what my highest good might be, and what I should be doing.  Today I write from my heart – from a place of love & gratitude – to set the intention for the life I feel is mine.  A big part of my struggle has been trying to fit in – to be ambitious, to care about a job, or house, or other things that have value in the world I inhabit.  And yet while I can create a fair facsimile of wanting these, in truth it all rings hollow – I don’t care about those things at all.  And then I feel that there must be something wrong with me, and that I have somehow been damaged by my experiences.  In a very recent phone conversation with my brother, I found myself repeating quite vehemently – “There is nothing wrong with any of us!  None of us needs to be fixed!”  We are distracted from our power by feeling that we are flawed, and we set about trying to right the wrongs – putting us squarely out of the present moment, our only place of power.  We are so manipulated & controlled by our fear that we are not perfect, when in reality, every single one of us IS!  And yet we are caught in the trap of constantly distracting ourselves from our fear that we are not perfect.  And so on, and so on…..

So today, I accept that I am perfect.  Every one of my experiences was perfectly designed by me to create the perfection that I am now – every single one of them! The physical, sexual and emotional abuses that I suffered and inflicted.  The loving and unloving relationships.  The truths and the lies, the booze and the drugs, the sharing and the taking.  All perfect.  Every one.

OK, so now that we’ve got to this place of perfection, what would I like to do with it?  The truth is that my desire is to pay all my debts, buy a travel home with enough room for me & for company to join me on occasion, and to travel around North America sharing love & messages where it will be helpful – I want to be a channel of Peace, just like St. Francis.  In fact, I am sure that this is my next step, and it will arrive momentarily.  I am trying not to judge the path that takes me there – a path that has involved a seeming shirking of duties and a significant breakdown.  I know that this path I am choosing will appear to many to be a manifestation of a mental illness, but in truth I have been crazy trying not to be this person that I have tried to hide away with varying degrees of success.  I intend with all my heart for this transition to create no harm, and to that end, I invite abundance that will allow me to soften or mend the tears that my choices will seemingly make to others, all the while understanding that it is not my responsibility to do so.  I guess really my intention is that there be no harm – if it requires my having the abundance to use money to mend, then it will be so. 

To sum up – I am grateful for every person, event, place & thing that I have had the great good fortune to experience in this dimension & timeline – and also for everything in the others, too!  I am ready to walk in my peace & my truth without concern for the judgements of others – they do not belong to me & really aren’t any of my business.  As advised by an Angelic Messenger Card the other day – I no longer have to accept the dregs – I go forward as a fully loved, loving & abundant participant in this reality.   Let the fun begin!